Life is supposed to be full of obstacles, triumphs and tribulations. Sometimes I just don't understand why there are so many of them. I know that many of the paths we go down in life's journey are one's that we make ourselves. I guess I'm questioning why I'm on this particular one in general. I came across this the other day and it really made me think…
"Flashbacks; One of the most intense things that happens to us after having been through a traumatic experience. Normally something like domestic violence doesn't affect me to the point of flashbacks. It may be because of the way he grabbed her or maybe it's because tomorrow is 14 years ago that I had committed to a man that would not only have my name on a marriage certificate, but also try to have my name on a death certificate 13 and a half months later.
It's all very confusing and I've had to yet again step back and look at all that transpired in those 13 and a half months, as well as see where it has taken me and what paths I went along as a result of it. The things I see when I look at it are this;
A head strong and independent little girl that somehow got lost along the way. She put aside all of her principles in order to make everyone happy, except herself. When she realized that she was on a path that would only end at a graveyard with a headstone with her name on it, she decided to make a new path in order to avoid the graveyard for a while. In making this new path, there were many thorns that scratched her on the surface, but there have also been pits that she has fallen into and had to find a way out of them.
She was always on the go and wouldn't stop until she was sure she was far away from the graveyard. Several years later she came to find that her path lead to a tiny graveyard, which held an open grave filled with the flowers she loved. She entered the graveyard in order to look at the beauty of the flowers and smell the sweet scents of them. With those flowers she came upon a note that was left for her that said:
"No matter how far or fast you run, you will not escape your fates. You have made choices and for some of those you have paid dearly. Life as you knew it is no longer an issue for you. You have much bigger things to be concerned with. Do not regret the past, nor should you wish to shut the door on it. You cannot change it and you now have a new path that you must venture down in your journey. The path is not cut in any way, but you will have to slow down and stop along the way. You have a disease called alcoholism for which there is no cure, but you can and have overcome the desire for the dreaded drink. Now my friend, you also have another incurable disease but it can be managed as long as you take things slowly, and not push yourself as hard as you have. The disease is multiple sclerosis, which we will now refer to as MS. We know you are in shock over this, but it is not the end of the world. Many have lived long and happy lives with MS, but they have also had to slow down their lives accordingly. You can still pursue your dreams and achieve them, just make sure you take the time to sit and relax for a while. We have all confidence that you can do anything you set your heart and mind to, you have proven that time and time again. Just make sure that you do everything with all good intentions and for all the right reasons. Your guardian spirits always, Anthony and Clara"
It's all very confusing and I've had to yet again step back and look at all that transpired in those 13 and a half months, as well as see where it has taken me and what paths I went along as a result of it. The things I see when I look at it are this;
A head strong and independent little girl that somehow got lost along the way. She put aside all of her principles in order to make everyone happy, except herself. When she realized that she was on a path that would only end at a graveyard with a headstone with her name on it, she decided to make a new path in order to avoid the graveyard for a while. In making this new path, there were many thorns that scratched her on the surface, but there have also been pits that she has fallen into and had to find a way out of them.
She was always on the go and wouldn't stop until she was sure she was far away from the graveyard. Several years later she came to find that her path lead to a tiny graveyard, which held an open grave filled with the flowers she loved. She entered the graveyard in order to look at the beauty of the flowers and smell the sweet scents of them. With those flowers she came upon a note that was left for her that said:
"No matter how far or fast you run, you will not escape your fates. You have made choices and for some of those you have paid dearly. Life as you knew it is no longer an issue for you. You have much bigger things to be concerned with. Do not regret the past, nor should you wish to shut the door on it. You cannot change it and you now have a new path that you must venture down in your journey. The path is not cut in any way, but you will have to slow down and stop along the way. You have a disease called alcoholism for which there is no cure, but you can and have overcome the desire for the dreaded drink. Now my friend, you also have another incurable disease but it can be managed as long as you take things slowly, and not push yourself as hard as you have. The disease is multiple sclerosis, which we will now refer to as MS. We know you are in shock over this, but it is not the end of the world. Many have lived long and happy lives with MS, but they have also had to slow down their lives accordingly. You can still pursue your dreams and achieve them, just make sure you take the time to sit and relax for a while. We have all confidence that you can do anything you set your heart and mind to, you have proven that time and time again. Just make sure that you do everything with all good intentions and for all the right reasons. Your guardian spirits always, Anthony and Clara"
She cried as she read the note and after she was done reading it, she cried even harder. She screams at the top of her lungs "Why me?" and she mourned the death of her life as she knew it. For many days she sat there in that tiny graveyard, wondering what she did in her life that was so wrong to deserve this fate. After many weeks that turned into months she finally accepted her fate of not only living with her alcoholism, but also MS. She starts to walk the unknown path, not knowing where it will lead next. She often stops along the path to enjoy nature and the life that surrounds her, the sunrises and sunsets, the beauty of the trees, and a new desire to pursue the dreams of the little girl that she now clings to in order to help her see things through the eyes of a child that she had forgotten to look at over the years of struggle.
The experiences of life have made an impact like no other. Today the struggles that I have endured over the years have helped me to become who I am today. The lessons that I have learned are priceless and I keep my mind open for more lessons to be learned in the future."
The experiences of life have made an impact like no other. Today the struggles that I have endured over the years have helped me to become who I am today. The lessons that I have learned are priceless and I keep my mind open for more lessons to be learned in the future."
I believe my question after re-reading this again is; what is the lesson? I find myself always reverting back to this same question over and over again. Is it the actual lesson that I'm questioning, or is it the path and outcome of it? Time and time again I see many of the same patterns, and the only common denominator in them, is me.
I know that right now my biggest problem has been the fact that I haven't been writing or drawing and expressing myself through those things like I used to. I seem to be isolating in that tiny graveyard again, for lack of better analogies at the moment. Where did the desire to write and draw go? Where did all my dreams disappear to? Were they all just that; dreams? Somehow I just can't believe that. I have been so out of touch with me lately, I guess it's no wonder that I'm in such a state of confusion and questioning everything.
So where do I go from here?
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