The Crossroads

Here we are again at a crossroads and I don’t know where to go, if I’m going anywhere. It’s been a long time since I’ve been at this place and it’s not very comfortable here. Is it possible to never come back to this place again? I almost wonder sometimes if I should be committed. All my emotions seem so overwhelming at the moment and yet at the same time none of them seem significant enough for me to even be overwhelmed by them. I guess it’s because of the emotions being so conflicting. I’m sad because I can’t be the bubbly energetic person I had been and because I feel like I have no quality of life. I’m angry and scared because I have no idea whether or not I will have another flare up with the MS. I guess many of these things can be categorized as fear, but yet I don’t feel as if they are.

I still feel like I’m disconnected from me though. I feel like I’m out of reach. I’m not quite sure how to be able to reach me. It’s almost as if I’m that lost little girl in the woods again that can’t find her way out. What happened to that independent headstrong woman that knew what she wanted? Does she or did she ever even exist? Was it all just a figment of my imagination in order to deal with life? I don’t believe that it was, but then again I’m not sure what is real or not either right now. Maybe I’m not real and maybe I’m just imagining all of these things that have gone on and been going on. Maybe I’m going to wake up one day and find out that this whole thing that I thought was my life was something that I created in my mind and it was never a reality to begin with. Maybe I really am insane, and I’ve finally just cracked.