Caged Bird Syndrome

There’s a beautiful bird that sits in her cage. Her wings have been clipped so she cannot fly away. She knows not what to do. Her fear is not of being alone. The fear goes deeper than that. She has lost her independence or so it seems. She wants to go back to exploring the world. To see the things she longs to see, to spread her wings and touch the sky. To climb the highest mountains, and stand at the edges of the seas. To reconnect with herself on the highest level that she can attain, without breaking free from the physical world.

Where did I go wrong?

I didn’t go wrong anywhere. I made a choice, and circumstances have changed and made that choice permanent. Expect the unexpected, and I never expected not to be able to go back to driving. I thought it would always be there waiting when I was able. Little did I know the Higher Powers had other plans for me.

What did I do to make this happen?

I didn’t do anything. Again I made a choice to be secluded from the world. I didn’t want to feel the pain anymore. Again the Higher Powers have other plans that as of yet I am unaware. I can only stay open minded, willing and honest enough to allow the natural changes to come through.

What can I do to change it?

I can’t change it, nothing has happened for me to change yet. Is there anything I can change right now? Yes, I can change the way I look at things, and see them for what they truly are. Without feeling pain or guilt I can allow them to just be. I guess that’s progress.

Do I want to break free?

No, there’s nothing to break free of. I have made my own cage that I have kept myself locked in. I have done this to protect myself from harm.

Will others harm me?

Only if I allow them to.

Is this because of a man?

No, this is because I’m finding me yet again in another complex form than before. I have delved deeper this time into the darkness that I had dared only to go to when I wasn’t feeling any emotions, when I was a cold, fearless and callus person that was selfish and I not only got what I wanted, but it also became an obsession. There are parts of that I will keep, only because I desire them and they are part of me and make me feel complete.

How did all of this start?

A friend asked an innocent question: What does it take to win your heart? I of course have been tinkering with my Muse for a few days and the answer became this: My heart is long padlocked and the key thrown away into the rivers. It was locked up to prevent all the pieces from falling aside. The only way to keep it still within its confines was to encase it in hard cold steel armor, to shield it from anyone's harm. Whether by slice of the tongue or the slash of a sword it has been shredded to pieces, therefore I must not be too careless, for I'd be sure to come to be harmed. Many have courted and poured out their souls, but I cannot be one to be tied. I am a spirited soul who has always longed to be free, and now that I am forever shall I be.

Is my heart really that fragile that I must keep it locked away forever?

Maybe not forever, but until I am willing to take the chance on allowing it to feel things again I will never know if it is healed. Right now I am just not ready, willing or able to take that chance.

Did I really lose my independence or do I just see it that way?

No I just see it that way. I made choices and there were choices that I had no control over. The ones I had no control over are the ones that make me feel as though I have lost my independence.