The Crossroads

Here we are again at a crossroads and I don’t know where to go, if I’m going anywhere. It’s been a long time since I’ve been at this place and it’s not very comfortable here. Is it possible to never come back to this place again? I almost wonder sometimes if I should be committed. All my emotions seem so overwhelming at the moment and yet at the same time none of them seem significant enough for me to even be overwhelmed by them. I guess it’s because of the emotions being so conflicting. I’m sad because I can’t be the bubbly energetic person I had been and because I feel like I have no quality of life. I’m angry and scared because I have no idea whether or not I will have another flare up with the MS. I guess many of these things can be categorized as fear, but yet I don’t feel as if they are.

I still feel like I’m disconnected from me though. I feel like I’m out of reach. I’m not quite sure how to be able to reach me. It’s almost as if I’m that lost little girl in the woods again that can’t find her way out. What happened to that independent headstrong woman that knew what she wanted? Does she or did she ever even exist? Was it all just a figment of my imagination in order to deal with life? I don’t believe that it was, but then again I’m not sure what is real or not either right now. Maybe I’m not real and maybe I’m just imagining all of these things that have gone on and been going on. Maybe I’m going to wake up one day and find out that this whole thing that I thought was my life was something that I created in my mind and it was never a reality to begin with. Maybe I really am insane, and I’ve finally just cracked.

What's The Meaning?

Life is supposed to be full of obstacles, triumphs and tribulations. Sometimes I just don't understand why there are so many of them. I know that many of the paths we go down in life's journey are one's that we make ourselves. I guess I'm questioning why I'm on this particular one in general. I came across this the other day and it really made me think…

"Flashbacks; One of the most intense things that happens to us after having been through a traumatic experience. Normally something like domestic violence doesn't affect me to the point of flashbacks. It may be because of the way he grabbed her or maybe it's because tomorrow is 14 years ago that I had committed to a man that would not only have my name on a marriage certificate, but also try to have my name on a death certificate 13 and a half months later.

It's all very confusing and I've had to yet again step back and look at all that transpired in those 13 and a half months, as well as see where it has taken me and what paths I went along as a result of it. The things I see when I look at it are this;

A head strong and independent little girl that somehow got lost along the way. She put aside all of her principles in order to make everyone happy, except herself. When she realized that she was on a path that would only end at a graveyard with a headstone with her name on it, she decided to make a new path in order to avoid the graveyard for a while. In making this new path, there were many thorns that scratched her on the surface, but there have also been pits that she has fallen into and had to find a way out of them.

She was always on the go and wouldn't stop until she was sure she was far away from the graveyard. Several years later she came to find that her path lead to a tiny graveyard, which held an open grave filled with the flowers she loved. She entered the graveyard in order to look at the beauty of the flowers and smell the sweet scents of them. With those flowers she came upon a note that was left for her that said:

"No matter how far or fast you run, you will not escape your fates. You have made choices and for some of those you have paid dearly. Life as you knew it is no longer an issue for you. You have much bigger things to be concerned with. Do not regret the past, nor should you wish to shut the door on it. You cannot change it and you now have a new path that you must venture down in your journey. The path is not cut in any way, but you will have to slow down and stop along the way. You have a disease called alcoholism for which there is no cure, but you can and have overcome the desire for the dreaded drink. Now my friend, you also have another incurable disease but it can be managed as long as you take things slowly, and not push yourself as hard as you have. The disease is multiple sclerosis, which we will now refer to as MS. We know you are in shock over this, but it is not the end of the world. Many have lived long and happy lives with MS, but they have also had to slow down their lives accordingly. You can still pursue your dreams and achieve them, just make sure you take the time to sit and relax for a while. We have all confidence that you can do anything you set your heart and mind to, you have proven that time and time again. Just make sure that you do everything with all good intentions and for all the right reasons. Your guardian spirits always, Anthony and Clara" 

 

She cried as she read the note and after she was done reading it, she cried even harder. She screams at the top of her lungs "Why me?" and she mourned the death of her life as she knew it. For many days she sat there in that tiny graveyard, wondering what she did in her life that was so wrong to deserve this fate. After many weeks that turned into months she finally accepted her fate of not only living with her alcoholism, but also MS. She starts to walk the unknown path, not knowing where it will lead next. She often stops along the path to enjoy nature and the life that surrounds her, the sunrises and sunsets, the beauty of the trees, and a new desire to pursue the dreams of the little girl that she now clings to in order to help her see things through the eyes of a child that she had forgotten to look at over the years of struggle.

The experiences of life have made an impact like no other. Today the struggles that I have endured over the years have helped me to become who I am today. The lessons that I have learned are priceless and I keep my mind open for more lessons to be learned in the future." 

 

I believe my question after re-reading this again is; what is the lesson? I find myself always reverting back to this same question over and over again. Is it the actual lesson that I'm questioning, or is it the path and outcome of it? Time and time again I see many of the same patterns, and the only common denominator in them, is me. 

 

I know that right now my biggest problem has been the fact that I haven't been writing or drawing and expressing myself through those things like I used to. I seem to be isolating in that tiny graveyard again, for lack of better analogies at the moment. Where did the desire to write and draw go? Where did all my dreams disappear to? Were they all just that; dreams? Somehow I just can't believe that. I have been so out of touch with me lately, I guess it's no wonder that I'm in such a state of confusion and questioning everything. 

 

So where do I go from here?

Bittersweet

Sometimes people aren't really who we think they are.

Sometimes people mean more to you than you realize.

Sometimes we trust those that should not be trusted & don't trust the ones we should.

Family means more than other things.

True friends stand by you no matter what happens, even if you may be wrong.

Children and Grandchildren are a precious gift.

People can be crueler than we think.

Happiness starts from within. No one can make you happy, but you can share the happiness.

Love happens, but it doesn't always stay.

Treasure what you have today, because tomorrow it may not be there.

Situations aren't always what they seem to be. There's a lot of grey shades between black and white.

May 5th will always be a mixed feeling day.

Remember to tell the people you love that you love them, even if they don't love you back.

Always stay in the moment...Yesterday is the past it cannot be changed, tomorrow may come but it isn't promised, today you can do anything you put your mind to and make it happen.

Choices are just that, choices. Whether they are right wrong or indifferent it's no ones place to judge.

There are no mistakes in life, everything happens for a reason.

Life can be wonderful if you live it, and not let it pass you by.

No matter how many curve-balls you're thrown, eventually you'll hit a home run.

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade!

Living Life

I woke up this morning to the warmth of the sun

No hangover to cure, I can enjoy it and have fun

With my windows open wide I hear the birds sing

I never realized the happiness this would bring 

Children outside laughing and playing

The trees ever so slightly swaying

The bright colors of the flowers and grass

Things I would have missed if I hadn’t fell on my ass

I made mistakes and now a chance to make a new start

No regrets for making them, I played the lead part

I am who I am and exactly where I’m supposed to be

Why did I try to be anything else except me?

Taking baby steps along the way

I can now accept life just for today

Live today like it’s your last

Don’t live in the past

Miracles happen, wishes do come true

These are the things that happen when you let yourself be you

Why

The sky is filled with colors so bright

From blues to pinks to yellows and clouds of white

Picture perfect most would say

Who would think that I would dread a new day

As the sun rises into the sky

The deep pink glows and you wonder why

Where are the answers that we need

Could it be the warnings we fail to heed

The sun glitters across the water to welcome this day

Serenity and peace it brings some would say

Yet I feel so empty and old

I don’t feel the suns warmth, only the cold

Where did it all go wrong

What do you do to make it right

I can’t have another sleepless night

Caged Bird Syndrome

There’s a beautiful bird that sits in her cage. Her wings have been clipped so she cannot fly away. She knows not what to do. Her fear is not of being alone. The fear goes deeper than that. She has lost her independence or so it seems. She wants to go back to exploring the world. To see the things she longs to see, to spread her wings and touch the sky. To climb the highest mountains, and stand at the edges of the seas. To reconnect with herself on the highest level that she can attain, without breaking free from the physical world.

Where did I go wrong?

I didn’t go wrong anywhere. I made a choice, and circumstances have changed and made that choice permanent. Expect the unexpected, and I never expected not to be able to go back to driving. I thought it would always be there waiting when I was able. Little did I know the Higher Powers had other plans for me.

What did I do to make this happen?

I didn’t do anything. Again I made a choice to be secluded from the world. I didn’t want to feel the pain anymore. Again the Higher Powers have other plans that as of yet I am unaware. I can only stay open minded, willing and honest enough to allow the natural changes to come through.

What can I do to change it?

I can’t change it, nothing has happened for me to change yet. Is there anything I can change right now? Yes, I can change the way I look at things, and see them for what they truly are. Without feeling pain or guilt I can allow them to just be. I guess that’s progress.

Do I want to break free?

No, there’s nothing to break free of. I have made my own cage that I have kept myself locked in. I have done this to protect myself from harm.

Will others harm me?

Only if I allow them to.

Is this because of a man?

No, this is because I’m finding me yet again in another complex form than before. I have delved deeper this time into the darkness that I had dared only to go to when I wasn’t feeling any emotions, when I was a cold, fearless and callus person that was selfish and I not only got what I wanted, but it also became an obsession. There are parts of that I will keep, only because I desire them and they are part of me and make me feel complete.

How did all of this start?

A friend asked an innocent question: What does it take to win your heart? I of course have been tinkering with my Muse for a few days and the answer became this: My heart is long padlocked and the key thrown away into the rivers. It was locked up to prevent all the pieces from falling aside. The only way to keep it still within its confines was to encase it in hard cold steel armor, to shield it from anyone's harm. Whether by slice of the tongue or the slash of a sword it has been shredded to pieces, therefore I must not be too careless, for I'd be sure to come to be harmed. Many have courted and poured out their souls, but I cannot be one to be tied. I am a spirited soul who has always longed to be free, and now that I am forever shall I be.

Is my heart really that fragile that I must keep it locked away forever?

Maybe not forever, but until I am willing to take the chance on allowing it to feel things again I will never know if it is healed. Right now I am just not ready, willing or able to take that chance.

Did I really lose my independence or do I just see it that way?

No I just see it that way. I made choices and there were choices that I had no control over. The ones I had no control over are the ones that make me feel as though I have lost my independence.